Wednesday, December 1, 2010

BWAHAHA! God Denied Me My Touchdown Catch!


The simpleton minds of American god-believers never ceases to amaze me. As one Brit told me in Barbados during my Peace Corps service, it's like most are mentally arrested at the stage of three -year olds. They either want their deity to act like "big Tough Daddy" and beat up all those other believers (or non-believers) or they want an eternal "gimme" machine, delivering endless goodies to satisfy their immature desires, egos and needs. Never for one moment do these morons stop to process that IF a deity existed that putatively controlled the universe, it would no more pay attention to a human's desires or wishes than the human would an ant's.

Thus, we come to the sorry case of Buffalo Bills' wide receiver Stevie Johnson, who this past Sunday, muffed a perfectly thrown 40-yard touchdown pass into the end zone that would have rewarded the even sorrier Bills (2-9 record in the AFC East) a victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers. But as replays showed, Johnson let the ball slip right through his fingers. He was inconsolable afterwards correctly blaming himself for costing the Bills the game.

That was actually the correct and mature move, accepting sole personal responsibility for a failing as a grown man and adult. However, within a short time, he clearly began to think of all the thousands of hours he'd committed to the "Big Coach" upstairs - not only getting saved and becoming a diehard evangelical, but praising the Big Guy at every opportunity. As he wrote on his Twitter account which by now has crossed all of cyberspace and even entered the mainstream:

"I praise YOU 24/7!!!! And THIS is how you DO me! You expect me to learn from this???? HOW???!!!"

Well, Stevie, for one - maybe "He" wants you to grow up for once and act like a man instead of a pouty child tossing a fit. Maybe "He" wants to bring your obvious inflated ego down a few notches, and practice some humility. Maybe this is how he decided to engage the learning exercise. Or not!

If no God exists, then ultimately catching the ball depended only on you and no mystical big spirit in the sky. Then ultimately missing the catch was not a matter of decisive divine entry into the natural world to help out a wide receiver playing for a nondescript team from an over-the-hill former industrial city, but rather of basic physics: the momentum and direction vector of the ball, and your hands being off ever so much.

But rather than admit to his own football defects, he blames the Almighty. (Real or make -believe, the blame is real for Stevie).

But after being caught out on Twitter, he then tries to deny it! On Monday, Stevie - in a separate Tweet- dismissed any notion that he was blaming God. He bellowed:

"No I Did NOT Blame God People! Seriously! C'mon! I simply cried out and asked WHY!"


Trouble is, like certain other fundies who have problems with basic English, crying out and asking 'why' is a de facto BLAME! Why would he or anyone call out to the Almighty, who supposedly knows what's best for every manjack and girljack on the planet, if not to cast effective blame? Either the whiner is testing his deity and insinuating it doesn't know everything (else, how could he allow such a devotee of itself miss a catch) OR the whiner is casting blame on the deity's decision to allow this football failure -which has all of Buffalo crying!

But take heart, Stevie. We know the line that God never delivers more crosses than people can actually bear.

So, maybe next time you will make a 60-yard TD catch, and realize then that yes, God still loves you, and ...he wants to do the best by you after all.

Or maybe it's just that you enhanced your own wide receiver skills!

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