Monday, April 1, 2013

Alien River Flukes Take Over S. Florida

An unknown species of river fluke has appeared in the fresh water lakes of South Florida, prompting alarm and calls for government intervention. Several dozen fluke specimens have since been recovered and transported to local labs for evaluation.

The flukes’ behavior is unlike that observed at any time before. For example, the flukes’ attach themselves to the gonads of swimmers and suck blood, while injecting the toxic eggs of females. According to one researcher at Smoke House Online College:

“Heterosexual flukes mate every day of their long lives and whenever the female is ready to lay her eggs, the male makes his way along the walls of the female’s bowels until he finds a good spot. ...The problem is that the eggs are then contaminated by effluent or toxins exuded by the bowels of the creatures.

Some of the eggs are then carried away by the human’s bloodstream and end up in the liver where they lodge and inflame the tissues, causing much of the agony we’ve seen in south Florida lake swimmers. In some cases, not only is the liver inflamed but the testicles of male humans, to the point they must be removed. This is to prevent gangrene.

We have found the rest of the eggs work their way into the intestines and escape their host, ready to slice open their shells and find a new source for the parasites."

The researcher added that the behavior is confounding and there is no comparison to any known Earth parasites or flukes, such as cause schistosomiasis. Generally, on planet Earth, degraded hygiene conditions are part and parcel of river flukes' spread, but this doesn’t appear to be the case with the newly discovered species of S. Florida fluke, according to parasite pathologist Dr. Myron A. Fuhl.

Fuhl noted an alarming propensity of the flukes to congregate in the vicinity of water sources and reservoirs proximate to fundamentalist churches. He declared that it may therefore be no surprise that most of his patients are fundamentalists from the ‘Living Waters Church’ in Miramar.

When asked to articulate the differential diagnosis for this alien river fluke disorder in humans, Fuhl remarked:

“Apart from the obvious physical symptoms, like inflamed balls and liver,  they begin babbling ….often religious chants (in tongues) as well as random scripture quotes from their bibles. They also babble about ‘Satan’ and ‘Hell’ and say all those (non-infected) will be taken under by the demons.”

Fuhl then documented how he took assorted CT scans in the most extreme patients and found evidence of the flukes embedded in their brains. The site most often chosen was the corpus callosum.

Admitted Fuhl, at the end of one particularly troublesome day:

“It’s a damned shame, really! We not only often have to castrate the men, but remove a large part of their brains too in order to get them relief. Of course, by the time we do all that they're mostly vegetables.”

His final comment is that he hoped these flukes were a home-grown variety of Earthly fluke – and not an alien species-  arrived on recently observed meteoroids from another world.

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