These Halloween Costumes Will Merit An Apple for Each Owner!

One of the masks that will earn the wearer a green 'Granny Smith' apple.


Not that I'm a Halloween Grinch, or my wife - but there are limits to the Halloween costumes that can be tolerated and education concerning what is appropriate needs to be an integral part of the event.  This also goes far beyond the meme of "political correctness" which is mocked these days even when it's blatantly over extended into areas pertaining to civility, and plain old common sense. With that in mind here's a list of Halloween costumes which, should trick or treaters show up in any of them, will be rewarded by delivery of one Granny Smith apple. Those with good old fashioned costumes (i.e. devil, ape, etc.) get a bag with Reese's Pieces, M&Ms, Snickers, and Nestles Crunch.

1) Barack Obama rodeo clown mask: Absolutely not, no way and no how. Besides, it's not even funny but merely a sneaky way to mock the 1st African -American President. I already explained all of this in a previous blog, http://brane-space.blogspot.com/2013/08/good-riddance-to-obama-rodeo-clown.html

2) Blackface: This is a more generic extension of (1) given it mocks African Americans in general. People need to know, however that , blackface   was developed in the country's primitive early social era barely five decades after the Civil War as a form of "entertainment". Sadly, despite supposedly having entered a more refined and civilized era, it remains a perennial favorite among both intentional and accidental racists. For those in need of some education before you don it, here is a handy flowchart in case you need further guidance on the subject.


3) Adolf Hitler: Jeebus, this ought to go without saying, no? Especially in the full array, as decked out in the official Führer uniform, i.e.

This guy, perhaps the greatest monster of the 20th century, needs no advertising from either wayward kids, or parents. It simply ought to be a no-brainer to not even go there!


4) Ariel Castro:  This sexual monster from Cleveland kept three young women as sex slaves and captives in his grungy home as he had his way with them.  After being captured when one of the women broke free, he was sentenced to so many years in prison he'd have to become a zombie to complete them. Yet, as always - as with the case of Jeffrey Dahmer costumes some years ago- there are shameful marketers and manufacturers who wish to cash in on the notoriety. For those who may not know, this fiend ended up hanging himself, in his cell, apparently in a final act of sexual asphyxiation. Anyone who dons this costume won't even get a 'Granny Smith' but a phone call to the nearest psych ward - appraising the officials of a "psycho on the loose".

5) A Tea Bagger ' Patriot', especially with the funny tri-tipped hat and carrying a "Don't Tread on Me" flag.  For this sort of absurd, ridiculous display of the personification of the bunch that nearly brought the country crashing to its knees (and might again) two Granny Smiths would be the reward - and a lump of charcoal.

6) A Victim of Violence: This also ought not require any explanation. I mean, Jeezus Peace! This includes, but is not limited to, dressing up as a student shot in Columbine, someone injured in the Boston Marathon bombing, or a bloody, assassinated president (i.e. John F. Kennedy with a bloody bullet hole in his head and brains partly hanging out).


7) 'The Joker' - aka Aurora Killer:  Amazingly, assorted episodes of James Eagen Holmes' "Joker" (as well as James Holmes' solo masks) had already appeared in assorted  Colo. burgs last year. Fortunately, the costumes-masks were relatively rare - let's hope they remain that way. People here in Colorado don't need to be reminded of that tragedy last July, especially as Holmes' trial is soon coming up.

8) Lee Harvey Oswald:  The alleged Kennedy assassin. Don't even think of it! Oswald had nothing to do with it, and if you wear any such outfit (given the 50th anniversary of the assassination is coming up- so the putative wearer is trying to be too clever by half) it will show you as not only ignorant and possibly dumb, but brainwashed.

9) Anna Rexia: Lol. Get it? A personification of Anorexia, a high fave of teen girls last year. Sorry to suck the fun out of your pun, chickies, but eating disorders are never sexy, nor are they something to be mocked — same goes for any other illness or disorder.


10) The Human Centipede:  Fortunately, this one is rare - so unlikely to be seen anywhere in my burg - also, this place is far too conservative to remotely tolerate it so I probably don't have to worry about it.  Compared to the real-life horrors cited above, dressing up as the Human Centipede, the horror film machination of humans stitched together from mouth-to-anus, is hardly the most offensive costume. But it’s still  really gross- and isn't one to be rewarded.

Have fun, get the kids outside - as opposed to keeping 'em corralled  merely at house parties or Malls- but know what costumes are appropriate and what are not.