Prof. April D. Nile in a paper published today in The Journal of Irreproducible Results, has insisted her work shows UFOs have never existed and don't now. The paper in essence claims that all UFOs ever seen were simply misidentifications or "projections of human fears and desires". Prof. Nile, a psychologist, has made her name in earlier papers appearing in the same journal, including:
- A 2013 paper portraying JFK conspiracy researchers as "obsessive individuals who were probably never breast fed" and who "likely carry a conspiracy gene", i.e. that elicited the single-minded drive to show the Warren .Commission false. Her findings emphasized "this is probably due to an innate, underlying disrespect for authority" and traced the expansion of said attitude to "current malignant distrust in government"
- A 2014 paper depicting anthropogenic global warming (AGW) as a "psychologically derived reaction" to small, natural climatic cycles that really have insignificant impacts. The effects were "exaggerated because they needed to make names for themselves". When asked in a press conference in May of that year about the compendium of evidence for AGW, Prof. April D, Nile insisted most was "churned out like in a giant, invisible sausage making machine that only they are familiar with".
Her most recent paper, released today, 'The Myth Of UFOs In Human History', insists there never were truly unidentified objects despite Prof. J. Allen Hynek's extensive definition in his specialist book on the scientific study of UFOs:
"A UFO is the reported perception of an object or light seen in the sky, the appearance, trajectory and general dynamic behavior of which do not suggest a logical, conventional explanation and which is not only mystifying to the original percipients but remains unidentified, after close scrutiny of all available evidence by persons who are technically capable of making a common sense identification, if one were possible.”
She was then referred to the McMinnville, Oregon (1950) case, the only one seriously validated in Edward U. Condon’s Air Force- commissioned Scientific Study of Unidentified Flying Objects . Therein, on p. 497, it was noted:
"This is one of the few UFO reports in which all factors investigated: geometric, psychological and physical appear to be consistent with the assertion that an extraordinary flying object- silvery, metallic and disc shaped flew within sight of two witnesses. "
In her paper, she claimed to show using the chi-squared test, that the McMinnville case was an "anomaly" but not the way the Air Force scientists portrayed it. It was rather an anomaly in the sense that all the researchers were "continuously" inebriated at the time and were given fake photos they were unable to seriously analyze or decipher- since their judgment was "compromised".
When one reporter cited an Oxford mathematician who pointed out that her statistical analysis had too few degrees of freedom for a significant conclusion she dismissed it as "nitpicking".
She concluded her news conference by saying:
"If our air space was really being invaded by UFOs there'd be billions of smart phone images being published every day since just about everybody had a smart phone. To me, case closed!"
She promised another paper next year showing why images and beliefs occurring inside people's psyches have more reality than the outside universe.