Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Giant, Flesh-Eating, 'Alien' Bat Seen in Everglades - Devours Pythons
A giant, flesh eating bat came to life last night in the middle of the Everglades, and promptly devoured four Burmese pythons, and one alligator. Hunters in the glades at the time, trying to kill some of the 100,000 pythons estimated there, said the giant bat took them by surprise. They initially thought it was some kind of 'statue' as it barely moved. As they brought their swamp buggy within twenty feet of it, however, it let out a banshee -like shriek that nearly split their eardrums and proceeded to hurtle over the swamp to snatch a python, then another. In each case, the predator bat severed the python heads before devouring the snakes. The hunters observed the massive creature, estimated to be at least nine feet in height, for nearly a half hour before departing. They insisted the creature subsequently consumed two more pythons (in the same way) and also an eight foot long gator.
Dr. Averell Foolius, senior Chiropterologist at the University of Miami, insisted the creature was hitherto unknown. Indeed, he said no bats in evolutionary history have been known to attain the size of this one. This has led him to an astounding conclusion: the giant creature is not really native to our planet but rather an interloper from another world. Perhaps dropped off in the glades as some kind of an ongoing experiment in clashing zootic paradigms.
Dr. Foolius theorizes the giant bat was jettisoned in some kind of cocoon and likely in a calcified state, and then on reaching the Earth's surface, 'hatched' itself into manifestation. The hunters may have just caught sight of it after it emerged from its alien cocoon.
Dr. Foolius has proposed an expedition to recover the creature, or at least the residual cocoon, which may still be around. As he observed:
"If it is indeed an alien entity of some kind, we could learn an awful lot by getting DNA samples of the creature, its cocoon or both. We might also be able to figure out where it came from."
Failing that, Dr. Foolius emphasized the need to at least keep track of the bat, and report any efforts to asexually reproduce. He asserts our world can ill afford too many of the creatures.
On the positive side, Dr. Foolius assured residents of South Florida that allowing the bat to roam wild may be the best solution to ridding the Everglades of a good many of the 100,000 pythons running loose. (Most released after being purchased as exotic pets, and then outgrowing their owners' abilities to care for them.)
"It is surely far better than having these python bounty roundups ever few months, which are no where as effective as allowing this monster to have its way with 'em."
Dr. Foolius added:
"Think of it! The hunters who spotted the creature saw it devour four pythons in just a half hour! Accepting that this isn't just a giant python story, that means if it eats pythons at that rate, and say gobbles or kills at least ten a day, we could be rid of the beasts in a short time if we could replicate them- say by cloning."
When asked of the downsides, he did admit that replicating the giant bat - to kill the snakes- posed its own problems and risks, and they may well eat humans too.
"On second thought", he admitted, "a better idea may be to just allow the survival of the fittest to takes its course.
When he asked if he could interview the hunters, he was told they went back into the glades to try to get a closer view of the bat and see what else it might be eating.
They haven't been heard from for the past week.